Your relationship may be toxic if it is characterized by behaviors that make you feel unhappy, including disrespect, dishonesty, controlling behaviors, or a lack of support.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In a healthy relationship<\/a>, everything just kind of works<\/em>. Sure, you might disagree from time to time or come upon other bumps in the road, but you generally make decisions together, openly discuss any problems that arise, and genuinely enjoy each other\u2019s company.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Toxic relationships are another story. In a toxic relationship, you might consistently feel drained or unhappy after spending time with your partner, according to relationship therapist Jor-El Caraballo<\/a>, which can suggest that some things need to change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Maybe the relationship no longer feels at all enjoyable, though you still love your partner. For some reason, you always seem to rub each other the wrong way or can\u2019t seem to stop arguing over minor issues. You might even dread the thought of seeing them, instead of looking forward to it as you did in the past.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Below, we\u2019ll explore some hallmark signs of toxicity in a relationship, plus offer some guidance on next steps if you recognize any of these signs in yourself or your partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Depending on the nature of the relationship, signs of toxicity can be subtle or highly obvious, explains Carla Marie Manly<\/a>, PhD, author of \u201cJoy from Fear.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n When you\u2019re in a toxic relationship, you might not always find it easy to notice the red flags popping up. All the same, you could notice some of these signs in yourself, your partner, or the relationship itself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHealthy relationships are based on a mutual desire to see the other succeed in all areas of life,\u201d Caraballo says. But when things turn toxic, every achievement becomes a competition.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In short, the time you spend together no longer feels positive. You don\u2019t feel supported or encouraged, and you can\u2019t trust them to show up for you. Instead, you might get the impression that your needs and interests don\u2019t matter, that they only care about what they want.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Instead of kindness and mutual respect, most of your conversations are filled with sarcasm or criticism and fueled by contempt \u2014 a predictor of divorceTrusted Source<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Do you catch yourself making snide remarks to your friends or family members? Maybe you repeat what they said in a mocking tone when they\u2019re in another room. You may even start dodging their calls, just to get a break from the inevitable arguments and hostility.<\/p>\n\n\n\n While it\u2019s perfectly fine to experience a little envy from time to time, Caraballo explains it can become an issue if your envy keeps you from thinking positively about your partner\u2019s successes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The same goes for jealousy<\/a>. Yes, it\u2019s a perfectly natural human emotion<\/a>. But when it leads to constant suspicion and mistrust, it can quickly begin to erode your relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Does your partner ask where you are all the time? Maybe they become annoyed or irritated when you don\u2019t immediately answer texts or text you again and again until you do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n These behaviors might stem from jealousy or lack of trust<\/a>, but they can also suggest a need for control<\/a> \u2014 both of which can contribute to relationship toxicity. In some cases, these attempts at control can also suggest abuse (more on this later).<\/p>\n\n\n\n Holding on to grudges and letting them fester chips away at intimacy<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOver time, frustration or resentment can build up and make a smaller chasm much bigger,\u201d Caraballo notes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Note, too, whether you tend to nurse these grievances quietly because you don\u2019t feel safe speaking up<\/a> when something bothers you. If you can\u2019t trust your partner to listen to your concerns<\/a>, your relationship could be toxic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You find yourself constantly making up lies<\/a> about your whereabouts or who you meet up with \u2014 whether that\u2019s because you want to avoid spending time with your partner or because you worry how they\u2019ll react if you tell them the truth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Being chronically late, casually \u201cforgetting\u201d events, and other behaviors that show disrespect for your time are a red flag, Manly says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Keep in mind that some people may truly struggle with making and keeping plans on time, so it may help to start with a conversation about this behavior. If it\u2019s not intentional, you might notice some improvement after you explain why it bothers you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sharing finances with a partner often involves some level of agreement about how you\u2019ll spend or save your money. That said, it\u2019s not necessarily toxic if one partner chooses to spend money on items the other partner doesn\u2019t approve of.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It can<\/em> be toxic, though, if you\u2019ve come to an agreement about your finances and one partner consistently disrespects that agreement, whether by purchasing big-ticket items or withdrawing large sums of money.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ordinary life challenges that come up \u2014 a family member\u2019s illness, job loss \u2014 can create some tension in your relationship, of course. But finding yourself constantly on edge, even when you aren\u2019t facing stress<\/a> from outside sources, is a key indicator that something\u2019s off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This ongoing stress can take a toll<\/a> on physical and mental health, and you might frequently feel miserable, mentally and physically exhausted, or generally unwell.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Going along with whatever your partner wants to do, even when it goes against your wishes or comfort level, is a sure sign of toxicity, says clinical psychologist Catalina Lawsin, PhD.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Say they planned a vacation that will take you out of town on your mom\u2019s birthday. But when they asked you what dates were convenient, you emphasized that any dates were fine \u2014 as long as you didn\u2019t miss your mom\u2019s birthday on the 17th.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You don\u2019t want to point this out, since you don\u2019t want to start a fight. So you say, \u201cGreat! I\u2019m so excited.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n You\u2019ve stopped spending time with friends and family, either to avoid conflict<\/a> with your partner or to get around having to explain what\u2019s happening in your relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Alternatively, you might find that dealing with your partner (or worrying about your relationship) occupies much of your free time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In a toxic relationship, you might let go of your usual self-care habits, Lawsin explains.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You might withdraw from hobbies you once loved, neglect your health, and sacrifice your free time. This might happen because you don\u2019t have the energy for these activities or because your partner disapproves when you do your own thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You might stay in the relationship because you remember how much fun you had in the beginning. Maybe you think that if you just change yourself and your actions, they\u2019ll change as well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You worry that by bringing up problems, you\u2019ll provoke extreme tension, so you become conflict avoidant and keep any issues to yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Many people assume toxic relationships are doomed, but that isn\u2019t always the case.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The deciding factor? Both partners must want to change, Manly says. \u201cIf only one partner is invested in creating healthy patterns, there is \u2014 unfortunately \u2014 little likelihood that change will occur.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n A few signs you might be able to work things out together:<\/p>\n\n\n\n If both you and your partner know the relationship is struggling and want to improve it, you\u2019re on the right track.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Recognizing past behaviors that have harmed the relationship is vital on both ends, Manly adds. It reflects an interest in self-awareness and self-responsibility.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To put it another way, both partners should accept their part in contributing to the toxicity, from resentment to jealousy to not speaking out about concerns and disappointments.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Are both you and your partner both willing to invest in making the relationship better? That\u2019s a good sign.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThis may manifest by an interest in deepening conversations,\u201d Manly says, or setting aside regular blocks of time for spending quality time together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019re both able to steer the conversation away from blaming and more toward understanding and learning, there may be a path forward.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, instead of saying, \u201cIt\u2019s your fault\u201d or \u201cYou always do XYZ\u201d you might try, \u201cI think we misunderstood each other, so let\u2019s try again\u201d or \u201cI understand why you\u2019re feeling stressed and upset \u2014 how can we work on that together?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes, you might need help to get things back on track, either through individual or couples counseling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There\u2019s no shame in getting professional help to address consistent relationship issues. Sometimes, you can\u2019t pick up on everything contributing to the toxicity from inside the relationship, and relationship counselors<\/a> are trained to offer a neutral perspective and unbiased support.<\/p>\n\n\n\n They can also teach you new strategies for addressing and resolving conflict, making it easier to create healthier patterns that stick.<\/p>\n\n\n\nWhat are the signs of a toxic relationship?<\/mark><\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
1. Lack of support<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
2. Toxic communication<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
3. Envy or jealousy<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
4. Controlling behaviors<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
5. Resentment<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
6. Dishonesty<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
7. Patterns of disrespect<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
8. Negative financial behaviors<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
9. Constant stress<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
10. Ignoring your needs<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
11. Lost relationships<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
12. Lack of self-care<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
13. Hoping for change<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
14. Walking on eggshells<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Is it possible to fix a toxic relationship?<\/mark><\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Acceptance of responsibility<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Willingness to invest<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Shift from blaming to understanding<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Openness to outside help<\/h3>\n\n\n\n