Having grown-up kids living at home can be nice, but without proper communication, conflict can easily arise. Here\u2019s how to navigate the situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If your adult children are living at home, you\u2019re part of a growing crowd.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
About 1 in 3<\/a> Americans between the ages of 18 and 34 live with their parents, according to U.S. Census Bureau data from 2021.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Adult children in the U.S. and around the world are increasingly staying in the family home for longer. Many are also returning to live with their parents after a period of living on their own due to changing economic circumstances, including the increasing cost of living.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019re cohabiting with your adult children, it\u2019s typical to experience conflict around lifestyle and other factors, said Matt Lundquist<\/a>, psychotherapist and founder of TriBeCa Therapy, a group practice in New York City.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Because your children are adults now, the rules you had when they were teenagers probably don\u2019t apply anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Lundquist said there\u2019s no one right way of establishing family rules and expectations. \u201cThink about what\u2019s sustainable, what\u2019s realistic, what\u2019s going to really feel good down the line.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here are a few pointers you can use to make that happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here\u2019s how to navigate having your adult children living at home with you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meet up with your kids when you first start living together to discuss ground rules and expectations. It can be a group phone call or a discussion after dinner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cErr on the side of talking sooner and more transparently and with greater clarity than most people think is necessary,\u201d recommended Lundquist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here are a few questions to consider together:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Conflicts happen when you\u2019re together for an extended period, no matter how well you work together. That\u2019s why these discussions are key, even if everything seems fine right now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s also a good idea to discuss ahead of time what might go wrong and how you\u2019ll deal with it. Family conflicts are often about:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Make the rules specific. For example: \u201cEvery time we get takeout together, we\u2019ll each pay for our share.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Write down the parameters you agree upon and put them in an email or post them on the fridge so everyone can reference them. Doing this can help avoid confrontation down the line.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThe trouble I see in these kinds of conversations inevitably is when somebody was dropping hints, or raised [the issue] and then left the conversation thinking, \u2018Oh, that went well,\u2019 and then thinking, \u2018Wait, was I misunderstood? Did you think I was talking about something else?\u2019\u201d said Lundquist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Circumstances change, so it\u2019s only natural that your expectations do, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Set a weekly or monthly check-in to reassess what\u2019s going well and what needs to change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, if the initial idea was that your adult child would be living with you until they found a job or a different living situation, then it\u2019s important to talk with them if that isn\u2019t happening. Having a set check-in date can help you start that conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Family dynamics are the regular interactions between family members and the factors that affect them. They\u2019re a major contributorTrusted Source<\/a> to your feelings of relationship security and, on the flip side, your stress levels.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here are some things to keep in mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When your adult child is living at home, it\u2019s important to acknowledge that they\u2019re not a child anymore. And that changes how you interact with them and what you can expect from them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIt\u2019s helpful when parents are able to show up to those conversations with curiosity, revisiting assumptions around things that used to be done a certain way,\u201d said Lundquist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cEven 10 or 20 years later, old dynamics are going to come back \u2014 even if you\u2019re in a different home, even if a lot has changed,\u201d said Lundquist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThe dynamics that existed that are the most influential dynamics are going to re-emerge, so be aware of that,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThose [old feelings] may sometimes be so overwhelming that the situation doesn\u2019t work,\u201d Lundquist said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019re finding the situation is making you feel too stressed and isn\u2019t turning out how you thought it would, it\u2019s OK to stop living together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Some people think of therapy \u201cas some kind of ghastly last resort,\u201d but the situation doesn\u2019t need to be dire before you seek help from a therapist, Lundquist said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes one or two family therapy sessions to deal with ordinary conflicts can help a great deal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Another option is to bring in close, neutral family members or friends to witness your discussion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Having your adult children living at home can be both rewarding and challenging. Communicating early and often and setting clear rules and expectations are great ways to ensure everyone\u2019s on the same page.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And if you\u2019re finding it\u2019s not working for you, it\u2019s OK to decide to stop living together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n4 tips for parents on setting boundaries<\/mark><\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
1. Talk ASAP<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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2. Discuss potential future problems and solutions<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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3. Be crystal clear<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
4. Check in regularly and adjust as needed<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
How to manage dynamics<\/mark><\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Remember, you\u2019re all adults now<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Be prepared for old feelings and behavior to resurface<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Know when to call it quits<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
When to seek professional help<\/mark><\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Takeaway<\/mark><\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n